Lord of the Blondes
by das-Diddy
Summary: John breaks down after training...xover to Lord of the Rings chapter 3 The five fellows is online.
1. Manhood

_author: das-Diddy_

_disclaimer: I could ask Robert C. Cooper or Brad Wright but I'm afraid they won't give the characters to me. -.- That means: no, they are not mine._

_warnings: humor, sci-fi, totally nuts!_

_notes: I'm just a little poor German student. My grammar sucks, my orthography is gone crazy. Yeah! Finally I've got a beta. :) Seneti has corrected my story so if you find some mistakes - blame her! XD Joke!_

_story: it was created at half past 11 at night after a long, long, long, very hard day. My flat mate just stormed into my room starting a discussion about Joe Flanigan's ears totally out of the blue…..here's the result… -.- _

_I love dict. and my pons-dictonary. Without these things I would die here, right in front of my 8-year-old computer screen._

_X-over to Sailor Moon, Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings. (Yeah, we are crazy!)_

_PLEASE leave a comment! (In the German version of the story I still have only 1(!) comment after 2(!!!) weeks and it's from a friend of mine...)_

_Enjoy the show! Please leave your brain somewhere safe. Total braindamage is really possible._

Lord of the Blondes 

**Manhood**

Defilade.

Side step left.

Attack.

Shit!

Teyla blocked John's attack with the greatest of ease. Just before he could lift the fighting sticks to protect himself against her attack, she hit him painfully at his upper arm. With quiet swearing he was brought to his knees.

"I think we have had enough training for today, Colonel.", said the beautiful Athosian with a light smile on her lips.

"If you say so…" John forced himself to smile, too but it seemed more like the snarl of a ravenous dog.

Teyla helped the genuflecting Colonel up. Today was definitely one of those days when John Sheppard could bury his manly pride. Thinking grimly about the question if he could ever defeat Teyla, he grabbed his property and wanted to follow the winner out of the gym. Suddenly he blacked out and his knees failed to hold him up.

On the floor again´ was his last thought before he lost consciousness…

tbc

_Sooo…..this was just the prolog. At chapter 1 we all will know what exactly happened to John. Hehehehehe…. I promise you it's getting worse….much worse!_

_CU!_

_das-Diddy_


	2. Should we call him Legolas

_Yeah! 3 comments on just 1 day!!! I nearly dropped off my chair when I read this. Guys, I love you! At only 2 days this story has more hits than the German version in 2 1/2 weeks._

_Normally I do not beg for comments but this is my first story in English so I would really prefer to hear from you._

_But now...just enjoy it!_

_das-Diddy_

**Should we call him Legolas?**

Dr. Elizabeth Weir sat at her desk and tried to concentrate on Rodneys report about future power rating of the ZPM. Useless. As long as it wasn't clear what happened to Colonel Sheppard, she wasn't able to give even half oft her attention on McKays narcistic report.

Fortunately Dr. Beckett stormed into her office abruptly. Elizabeth looked at him concerned. The scottish doctor was pale and seemed a little bit confused – that wasn't a good sign.

"Carson! How is John?", she asked him.

The doc seemed unwilling to answer.

"Hallo lass……Colonel Sheppard…he…he's fine at the moment….physically……but…"

"But?" Elizabeth looked him directly in the eyes.

"So…we….I don't know what caused the change, neither do I know what to do against it..."

"Which change?", Weir was alarmed.

Beckett ignored the question. He just wanted to give his report as quick as possible and so he continued hastily. "The process extends very fast and in 24 hours it may be finished. He's not in pain but I ordered – just for emergency – to give-"

"Carson!"

Elizabeth raised her hands to stop the doctor from talking. Finally Dr. Beckett interruped the flow of words and looked nervously at the leader of Atlantis. The behaviour of the CMO caused a very negative feeling inside her.

"How is John?", she asked again.

Carson eased his grip around the clipboard he carried and took a deep breath.

"He's not human, Elizabeth. Not anymore."

Dr. Weir raised her eyebrows. That was a joke, wasn't it?

"Excuse me?", she asked when she had her composure halfway back.

"He...he transforms ….quasi….an elf." Carson looked at her as if it would be his fault that the most impossible scurrilities happened in Atlantis once again.

Elizabeth began to doubt if this was real…

"An….elf?"

She tried to calm her voice. What the hell should she think now???

"Now then…this is the best description of what he is about to become. The metamorphosis isn't extend very far but it's clear what happens to him. Besides…" The look on his face was now really amused. „…it seemes that Rodney is allergic to elves."

Dr. Weir buried her face in her hands and refrained from laughing – hysterical laughing! So why again had she become the leader of Atlantis voluntary? Right! Because it was "fun" to handle extrem situations of all kind. She sighed.

"Is Rodney's allergy dangerous? Do other members of Atlantis have the same symptomes?"

"No. Rodney means that he'll die within the next 3 hours but actually it's just a harmless but….very weird rash which we can keep under control by giving him antihistamine. Besides him nobody here has similar symptoms. For emergency the infirmary has enough antihistamine."

Elizabeth nodded.

"And Colonel Sheppard? Is this…." She made a vague gesture with her hand. "Is it contagious?"

"Negative. What ever has caused this - it changes his DNA but it's definitely no virus.", Beckett explained.

"Good….what can we do to stop the process or to reverse it?", Weir asked.

"At the moment we don't know how to reverse such changes but Rodney is studying the Ancient Database and my medical team makes several tests in the lab with some cell samples of the Colonel.", the Scotsman answered.

"How is John's condition…besides….the rest?"

Elizabeth didn't want to vocalise it again. She was afraid to laugh at the idea of _Elf-Sheppard…_this situation was absolut absurd. She let her finger tips run over her temples to recover her concentration.

"He behaves normal. I think he's not aware what the metamorphosis means. He shows no symptoms of pain or fever. Physically he's fit…only…that he's becoming an elf."

"Anyway, someone should watch over him. Just in case that the whole thing has however effects on his mind.", said Weir as she tried desperately to keep dispassion when a green-dressed Sheppard bounced happily through her mind.

"Teyla was already willing to watch over him. Ronon bears her accompany."

After all Carson smiled now and Elizabeth couldn't stop herself from smirking a bit, too. The two of them knew that Teayla had dragged the Satedan more or less against his will to the custody of the Colonel. Good to know that at least some things remained as normal as ever.

"If this is all, you should go to see after your patients."

With a slight smile the doc took leave…

As Beckett was out of sight, Elizybeth tried again to attend to Rodneys report, well aware that it was useless.

Today was definitely one of the "totally ordinary" days in Atlantis.

_This was the first chapter. Did you like it? Strange things will happen in the next chapters...hehehehe..._

_Yep. This was the beta-version. All right now? Still mistakes??? ...okay...you can give them to me. -.- THX Seneti for beta-reading XD_

_I still didn't buy new batteries for my keyboard...so...very strange mistakes are maybe not my fault._

_By the way...KYAAAAAAAAAAAA! I've got a comment from Scotland:) I still bounce through my room...waving a little Scotland-flag. XD_

_CU next chapter!_

_das-Diddy_


	3. The 5 fellows

_Strrrrrrrrrrike! So…here's chapter 2. :) _

_Geeeee, my beta is soooo cute. "Have you seen the Seneti? The Seneti is mistress!" (in-joke to Peter DeLuise XD)But she hasn't read this chapter yet, so there are still mistakes. _

_Now….let's see what REALLY happened to John…light off, spot on! Here comes….John! XD_

_das-Diddy aka dasDiddy_

**The 5 fellows**

Immediately after Rodney had notified her that maybe he had found a hint for a chance to heal Colonel Sheppard, Elizabeth ordered him together with Dr. Beckett into her office.

"Nice that you're here.", Elizabeth greeted the two scientists. "So, Rodney, what….happened to your face?????"

Before she could think twice she just aked the question. Carson smiled lightly but Rodney looked like he would kill everyone by his own bare hands who dared to make only _one _stupid comment. His face showed a kind of red rash which made him look like a teenager with terribly disastrous acne but for Weir's horror some of the blains were bright green! Not many but surely enough to bring Rodney's mood to a new record of depression.

"That's the rest of the allergic symptoms.", Dr. Beckett explained because Rodney was obviously too busy gnashing his teeth.

Weir nodded understandingly – at least she hoped it would look so…

"So…What have you found in the Ancient Database, Rodney?"

Nearly desperate, she tried to keep her seriousness.

"Now…by the fact that the Database are not the yellow pages for strange alien diseases my research turned out to be not very easy. Oh! – Adding that every 10 minutes a mob of voodoo-sorcerers besieged me and obviously they had great satisfaction in torturing me beastly and keeping me from working!!!", Rodney nagged and glanced at Carson deadly reproachfully, who seemed totally unimpressed. Dr. Weir guessed in secret that Dr. Beckett had sent a nurse spaced to give Rodney his antihystamine shot but she would _never _say that aloud! With Rodney in this staus it was the best not to tangle with him. So she just smiled lightly.

"What have you found out?", she asked instead again.

"To my astonishment the Database actually makes mention of elves.", McKay explained after he calmed down a little bit. "Though not as a disease but as residents of a planet. It is said that a nearly immortal magican – named _Gandalf _- lives on this planet. He seemes to be adept at elves. In short: if he can't help us I feel impelled to admit that I'm on my wits' end."

The disparaging grin, which had appeared on his face when he mentioned the elves, expired at the end of his report. Apparently it seemed that Rodney believed that this man was their last chance to heal Colonel Sheppard.

Elizabeth sighed. _Magican?_ What next? Trolls???

"Can we take this information serious or is it just…"

She made a vague gesture with her hand. Rodney answered before she had to end her sentence.

"Until now every information we got from the Ancient Database was to take serious. The chance that this is a joke - at which we would have to resolve first if the Ancients actually had a sense of humor – is vanishing small."

Weir nodded and glanced hopefully at Carson.

"Would we be able to help Colonel Sheppard without external help?"

"I'm sorry but no. None of the tests gave us a hint what caused this metamorphosis or how we can reverse it.", said the doc gloomily.

"So it looks like we have to send a exploration team to this planet… Rodney, do we have concrete indices where this place is?"

"Yes, we have. Rather we know for 100 where Ea – the planet – is located because some time ago a team of Atlantis was near this place…"

"Fine, so it should be no problem-"

"…buuuuut the team didn't approach the planet because it is besieged by five Hive-Ships.", McKay interrupted Dr. Weir with a slight morose look on his face.

Dead silence followed Rodneys words. Five Hive-Ships. That was like maneuvering the Titanic through a minefiled after the ship had a close acquaintance with a ominous iceberg.

Dr. Weir shook her head.

"The risk is too high. Even with the maskmode of the puddlejumpers. I can't-"

She was interrupted again, this time by Colonel Sheppard himself, closely followed by a very concerned Teyla and an obvious unnerved Ronon.

Totally surprised, Dr. Weir raised her eyebrows. Something was definetly different…his gait…her thoughts were disrupt by Sheppard.

"Hello, hello, hello! So, how are you?", John greeted the three of them. 'Hello, hello, hello'??! A nearly endless seeming embarrssing silence set in and all bystanders stared at John with their mouths open and eyes huge. John noticed the shocked reactions not in the least. Whistling happily he went – no, Elizabeth was bound to call it 'prancing' – to the window.

"Lizzy, you should really place more plants around here. This grey everywhere is soooo awfull!"

An ice cold shiver ran down her spine. It was….strange….to see Colonel Sheppard acting like a drag queen, speaking normal and objective about decoration ide and plants. Suddenls she noticed something that helped her – for the time being- to her regain voice. A broad blonde strand glistened clearly at John right temple through his black hair.

"John, you have…"

Her attention was drawn to Dr. Beckett, who shook his head half paiking and stepped next to her.

He leaned his head in her direction and whispered : "That's a part of the methamorphosis. Colonel Sheppard isn't aware of his condition. Every try to explain it to him has failed. He…he think he is normal."

Elizabeth didn't take her eyes away from John when the doc spoke. A familiar and still so strange face grined at her. It gave her creeps. It took a moment till she regained her composure again.

"Dr. McKay, you have half an hour to prepare everything for a expedition. Dr. Beckett, Teyla and Ronon will go with you. Major Lorne will be your pilot. Colonel Sheppard, please go back to the infirmary. Dismissed.", she commanded.

Except John, who tried to, no one dared to contradict.

"Don't argue!", she said sharply when John made no signs to leave her office. The other four had disappeared as quick as they could, so only two strong orderly managed it to get the still turning blonde Colonel away.

After that Elizabeth was alone in her office again. In half an hour her best people would start on a total suicidemission. But everything was better than bearing Colonel Sheppard at this condition.

Elizabeth leanded back in her chair and sighed. In secret she praied that everything went fine. Her nerves couldn't bear more chaos.

_Sooo…that's it….for now.  Everyone araound here who understands german can read the german version "Herr der Blondies". I'm faster in writing than in translating. Hope you understand the text….mostly…-.-_

_CU next time and don't forget to review!_

_das-Diddy_

_this story isn't betaed now...I just lost my Seneti for now. (inside-joke again)_


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